I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
