I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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