why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
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