I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
