My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
