I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
