i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
