Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
the day after is always just damage control
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
