i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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