You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
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