Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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