I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
