Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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