i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
