I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
