Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
He felt like a one man threesome
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
