2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
