right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
