Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Randomize
