New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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