dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
