Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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