Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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