It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
