I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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