I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Randomize
