He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
there's paper in my vomit.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
