why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
