How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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