What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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