Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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