Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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