Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
