You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
