I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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