dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
