My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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