I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
