omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
In other news, I just burned my penis
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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