She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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