i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
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Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
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Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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