so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
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My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
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I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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