it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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