It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
