Fine. I'll sleep in my office
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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