nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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