apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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