the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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