Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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