come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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