Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
40s are totally the cure
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
