I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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