I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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