I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Drunk is not a location!
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
