pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
