he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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